I never thought much of Dr. Who. I knew it was an old TV show that was sort of science fiction, but thought that it was bit over the top, of course I was just a kid and Dr. Who was not all that popular.
A few years ago, my spouse started watching it, I had no interest. He explained how much he liked Doctor #10 over Doctor #9, I of course was lost.....Doctor....who????
One day I was on the couch doing some homework, and he decided to watch BBC America because Dr. Who just happened to be on. I was doing homework, so I really didn't care.
But then I looked up from my work, saw on the TV this gangly looking guy and this beautiful ginger haired girl, and the Weeping Angels.
I was HOOKED!
After getting a quick education on "The Doctor" I began watching it nearly religiously. I managed to catch myself up and watched every episode from the first of Doctor #9 to the last episode of Season 5 with Doctor #11.
What I found interesting was not that this show was simply a Sci-Fi, but it was a lesson in humanity.
The Doctor is the "Jesus" figure that you find in much of literature. The consummate sacrifice to save humanity. It is quite powerful, and you find yourself empathic to the Doctor, even when he is destroying the world.
But, it is not so much the TV show and the great acting and all of the special effects. It is how the show pulls its audience in and make you want to be a part of it.
You want to run off with the Doctor.
Wouldn't that be fascinating? To run off with the most amazing individual in all of time, get into his blue box that is bigger on the inside and fly through space and time.
I would so do it.
The sheer idea of the escape, I think is what captures my attention the most. The Doctor's companions are not girlfriends or lovers, they are simply the right hand and best friend, the everlasting friend through time and eternity. The most beloved person in the Doctor's world, he never give up on his friends and he always comes back for them.
Can you imagine what it would be like to have someone like that in your life. The perfect best friend? The person that no matter what, no matter what you say or do that friend will never leave you - unless he is killed while regenerating by an Impossible Astronaut- the friend who takes you to the most amazing places in the most amazing times.
The best friend, who's favorite food is Fish Fingers and Custard!
A Time Lord.
A Gallifrian
A Doctor
A Destroyer of Worlds....
...or the Salvation of the Universe?
It is for you to decide....would you follow this madman?
.............Spoilers............
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
I Still Don't Think I am Interesting
A very good friend of mine stated that a good way to communicate when surrounded by members of the opposite sex was to tease them in a good nature way, especially if they initiate the teasing.
Okay, cool. Great advice.
Putting it practice, yeah whole n'other story...
What I seem to lack is timing...
I work with a person who has a great sense of humor, actually 2 people. The one person's sense of humor is raw and naughty were there other person's sense of humor is dry and sarcastic. But, I don't think that it is very attractive when I burst out laughing because of something either of them said!
Person #2 just has to look at me a certain way and I start to laugh. It is so embarrassing...especially when it happens in the middle of class.
After I've laughed, I feel like such an idiot! I think, "Wow, they must really think I'm a moron."
Then I get very self conscience and I clam up. It is weird, I am weird....
That must be it. I'm a weird person. I must be abnormal or something. Here I am an grown adult and I act like a giggly school girl when a person "looks" at me. I know the "look" isn't a "look" it is usually an acknowledgement of something ironic or off center that has happened which has gone completely over the heads of the others in the room. I mean, it is kinda nice to know that there is this very clear non-verbal communication going on, but it is not THAT type of non-verbal communication.
Geez, I am really struggling here.
People are going to start to think I'm mental or something. But, seriously...I've gone through my entire adult life not being able to communicate with people on a social level (men actually)
Even with men I've know forever, I still get weird-ed out. Did you know that I have this very difficult time looking at someone (men especially) straight in the eyes! Yeah! Isn't that crazy?
I can be in a room full of men, and not have one bloody thing to say, or if I do have something to say, it ends up sounding stupid and I've just made a complete jackass out of myself. Then I think, "Geez, I'm gonna leave this room and they are going to talk about me behind my back and say things like 'is she a ditz or what?'"
Actually, I'm curious about what people say about me when I'm not in the room. I often times wonder that when I leave to clock back in from lunch. Or do they just not say anything at all and I'm just this invisible person that is over looked as usual.
Okay, now you are all thinking I'm some self-absorbed person who thinks that the world revolves around her. Well.........you know....maybe I am. Maybe I am too self-absorbed. Maybe I come off sounding like some elitist or something.
Would someone PLEASE tell me what I'm doing wrong? Or if I'm doing something right it would be really nice to know, and it would be a huge ego boost.
Okay Okay, yeah I know....It is not right to be thinking like this. I'm not being very "Christian" I shouldn't be thinking about these things. Well, ya know.....I've also spent the majority of my life being an overweight invisible freak, and now that I'm normal looking I am no longer invisible, and I have NO CLUE how to deal with it!
Do I just keep smiling?
Do I play with my hair?
Do I lower my voice when I speak?
Do I swing my hips when I walk?
Do I wink?
Do I laugh in a sultry sort of way?
What do I do??? What will NOT make me look like an absolute idiot!?
Yeah, I'm stressing over this...wouldn't you if you were in my place?
Okay, cool. Great advice.
Putting it practice, yeah whole n'other story...
What I seem to lack is timing...
I work with a person who has a great sense of humor, actually 2 people. The one person's sense of humor is raw and naughty were there other person's sense of humor is dry and sarcastic. But, I don't think that it is very attractive when I burst out laughing because of something either of them said!
Person #2 just has to look at me a certain way and I start to laugh. It is so embarrassing...especially when it happens in the middle of class.
After I've laughed, I feel like such an idiot! I think, "Wow, they must really think I'm a moron."
Then I get very self conscience and I clam up. It is weird, I am weird....
That must be it. I'm a weird person. I must be abnormal or something. Here I am an grown adult and I act like a giggly school girl when a person "looks" at me. I know the "look" isn't a "look" it is usually an acknowledgement of something ironic or off center that has happened which has gone completely over the heads of the others in the room. I mean, it is kinda nice to know that there is this very clear non-verbal communication going on, but it is not THAT type of non-verbal communication.
Geez, I am really struggling here.
People are going to start to think I'm mental or something. But, seriously...I've gone through my entire adult life not being able to communicate with people on a social level (men actually)
Even with men I've know forever, I still get weird-ed out. Did you know that I have this very difficult time looking at someone (men especially) straight in the eyes! Yeah! Isn't that crazy?
I can be in a room full of men, and not have one bloody thing to say, or if I do have something to say, it ends up sounding stupid and I've just made a complete jackass out of myself. Then I think, "Geez, I'm gonna leave this room and they are going to talk about me behind my back and say things like 'is she a ditz or what?'"
Actually, I'm curious about what people say about me when I'm not in the room. I often times wonder that when I leave to clock back in from lunch. Or do they just not say anything at all and I'm just this invisible person that is over looked as usual.
Okay, now you are all thinking I'm some self-absorbed person who thinks that the world revolves around her. Well.........you know....maybe I am. Maybe I am too self-absorbed. Maybe I come off sounding like some elitist or something.
Would someone PLEASE tell me what I'm doing wrong? Or if I'm doing something right it would be really nice to know, and it would be a huge ego boost.
Okay Okay, yeah I know....It is not right to be thinking like this. I'm not being very "Christian" I shouldn't be thinking about these things. Well, ya know.....I've also spent the majority of my life being an overweight invisible freak, and now that I'm normal looking I am no longer invisible, and I have NO CLUE how to deal with it!
Do I just keep smiling?
Do I play with my hair?
Do I lower my voice when I speak?
Do I swing my hips when I walk?
Do I wink?
Do I laugh in a sultry sort of way?
What do I do??? What will NOT make me look like an absolute idiot!?
Yeah, I'm stressing over this...wouldn't you if you were in my place?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
A Sense of Panic
I don't get this feeling.
I am sitting doing my normal daily routine, things are fine, everyone is fine....then suddenly I get this overwhelming sense of Panic.
My heart starts to race, my head starts to swim, and then all of these thoughts start swirling around in my head. I look at my family and I don't see them as my family I seem them as strangers, and then I have this overwhelming sense that they are not mine, or that something is going to happen, or that everything will fall apart.
My heart starts to feel very heavy and I feel like I am about to just cry my eyes out.
It is like my whole world is falling down around me, and I have not control over it.
I hate getting these anxiety attacks....It is like NOTHING I do controls them.
I am sitting doing my normal daily routine, things are fine, everyone is fine....then suddenly I get this overwhelming sense of Panic.
My heart starts to race, my head starts to swim, and then all of these thoughts start swirling around in my head. I look at my family and I don't see them as my family I seem them as strangers, and then I have this overwhelming sense that they are not mine, or that something is going to happen, or that everything will fall apart.
My heart starts to feel very heavy and I feel like I am about to just cry my eyes out.
It is like my whole world is falling down around me, and I have not control over it.
I hate getting these anxiety attacks....It is like NOTHING I do controls them.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I'm not very interesting in real life
First of all I want to apologize to all my readers. I am so sorry I have not been on in a while. With school starting and getting this taken care of around here, it has been hard to take the time. I will try to remedy that.
Also, I have made a decision to take a break from college for the semester. We will see how that goes.
So, anyway...here is my dilemma.
I don't think I'm very interesting.
So, I have all these "admirers" on Facebook. I seem to be the "popular" girl. The Girl all the guys like to flirt with and stuff. Which is very cool, don't get me wrong. I love the attention.
But, I think if these same guys were to actually meet me, I'd be boring.
Here is why I think that. Recently I have been inducted into the "Social Studies" secret society. (Eating lunch with the Social Studies teachers) Anyway, it has been really nice to feel apart of this group (who by the way are mostly men)
Anyway, I was sitting at lunch and the guys were talking, and I couldn't think of one bloody thing to say!!! I was sitting there, eating my lunch listening to the conversation, laughing at the appropriate times, looking everyone in the eye who was talking to me, but I said NOTHING! I just smiled and nodded.
Really!!!??? Are you freakin' kidding me!!!
You know this is not the first time. Why am I so socially awkward? I can think of a million things to say on Facebook. I'm witty and fun and flirty and smart and insightful, but put me in a room full of people and WHAM instant wallflower.
I mean, I am thin and sexy now and I still can't engage a guy in a conversation. What the heck is wrong with me???
Okay, yes I am currently married and so many of you will probably say "well you don't need to worry about that because you are married." Well no that is not true, I NEED to learn how to be social because I will never be able to go anywhere alone if I don't.
People will look at me like I am a total idiot!
I am a very smart woman, I am educated and I have ideas and thoughts and opinions, and I am sexy and beautiful and I can be flirty and I am passionate.....and yet....when I am around a group of people, especially men I freeze up.
So, maybe I am just not enticing enough?
I want people to want to talk to me, I want people to want be around me...I want to have people clamoring for MY attention. Is that wrong???
Also, I have made a decision to take a break from college for the semester. We will see how that goes.
So, anyway...here is my dilemma.
I don't think I'm very interesting.
So, I have all these "admirers" on Facebook. I seem to be the "popular" girl. The Girl all the guys like to flirt with and stuff. Which is very cool, don't get me wrong. I love the attention.
But, I think if these same guys were to actually meet me, I'd be boring.
Here is why I think that. Recently I have been inducted into the "Social Studies" secret society. (Eating lunch with the Social Studies teachers) Anyway, it has been really nice to feel apart of this group (who by the way are mostly men)
Anyway, I was sitting at lunch and the guys were talking, and I couldn't think of one bloody thing to say!!! I was sitting there, eating my lunch listening to the conversation, laughing at the appropriate times, looking everyone in the eye who was talking to me, but I said NOTHING! I just smiled and nodded.
Really!!!??? Are you freakin' kidding me!!!
You know this is not the first time. Why am I so socially awkward? I can think of a million things to say on Facebook. I'm witty and fun and flirty and smart and insightful, but put me in a room full of people and WHAM instant wallflower.
I mean, I am thin and sexy now and I still can't engage a guy in a conversation. What the heck is wrong with me???
Okay, yes I am currently married and so many of you will probably say "well you don't need to worry about that because you are married." Well no that is not true, I NEED to learn how to be social because I will never be able to go anywhere alone if I don't.
People will look at me like I am a total idiot!
I am a very smart woman, I am educated and I have ideas and thoughts and opinions, and I am sexy and beautiful and I can be flirty and I am passionate.....and yet....when I am around a group of people, especially men I freeze up.
So, maybe I am just not enticing enough?
I want people to want to talk to me, I want people to want be around me...I want to have people clamoring for MY attention. Is that wrong???
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Do we live a Faustian Life?
Have you ever wondered what your life would be if you took a different fork in the road? If you went left instead of right? If you went out instead of stayed in? If you chose one instead of two?
Have you ever thought what would it be like if you got everything you ever wished for?
That is Faustian.
Faust was a character in a German Folk legend who was very successful and well liked but was very bored with his life, so he makes a deal with the devil for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures. However, there is a price, there is always a price, and that price is the devil would claim Faust's soul and he will be forever damned.
We can see the Faustian theme in many modern literature and movies.
Some examples of Faustian movies are: Bedazzled, 13 going on 30, Big, Ghost Rider, Can't Buy Me Love, Limitless and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
But, what does it mean? Do people really want to "sell their souls" for "unlimited "anything"?
I think we do, and I think that in the day to day scheme of life people are constantly making deals with the devil to better their existence and to get one step closers to that human zenith of self gratification.
We look at ourselves in the mirror and think. If I could be this, then I can do that? If I looked like this, then I can be that? If I were as smart as this, then I can have that?
Face-it friends we think like that all the time right? I know I do. Why lie? That is the whole point of this blog to get the facts out on my life.
Yeah, I would love to be richer, smarter, beautiful, and thinner. To be honest with you, if someone were to offer me those things for an exchange of something I hold most dear, it would be difficult to say "no"
I hope that I would be strong enough too. I hope that if ever faced with the temptation of limitless bless verses with the result of eternal damnation that I would be strong enough to say "No thank you, I am happy with what and who I am and I will continue on as I am."
But seriously folks don't you just think about the possibilities? My favorite Faustian themes have to do with the characters going forward in their lives (Big and 13 going on 30) and see the consequences or the possible consequences of their actions.
In the movie Big, Tom Hank's character is a 13 year old kid in the body of a 30 year old man, and while Tom Hank's comedic genius made the movie one of the best of its time, the Faustian theme makes the more intelligent movie go take pause and really think. If I were a kid given a chance to be an adult for one week, what choices would I make?
I use to think about that as a child. I thought, if I could be a grown up for just one week, I could solve all of the world's problems.
Or, in the movie 13 Going on 30 our main character suddenly finds herself a 13 year old in her 30 year old body. This movie different from Big, is that in Big the character simply aged and everyone else stayed the same, he did not fast forward in time to his life as a 30 year old, where in 13 going on 30 our character fast forwards to her life at 30, and she sees the consequences of her choices.
But, like all good Hollywood movies, happy endings prevail and the characters are able to right the wrongs of their choices and move on with much happier lives.
We all know that in real life that doesn't happen, in fact in real life we can't move forward or backwards to correct or change our lives because we suddenly feel unhappy with them. No, we are stuck in the present forced to make do with what we have.
You know what I would love to do? I would love to go back in time as myself, but as myself looking like I do now (just younger) with this thin body. I would like to go back and see what would be different. Would I score with my crush? Would I be voted prom queen? Would I get the lead in the play? How would my life been different if I were different?
...and who wouldn't exists or what relationships and friendships will never occur if I changed the past? Would I be willing to give that up? That is a difficult question.
One that Faust may not have considered when he sold his soul.
Have you ever thought what would it be like if you got everything you ever wished for?
That is Faustian.
Faust was a character in a German Folk legend who was very successful and well liked but was very bored with his life, so he makes a deal with the devil for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures. However, there is a price, there is always a price, and that price is the devil would claim Faust's soul and he will be forever damned.
We can see the Faustian theme in many modern literature and movies.
Some examples of Faustian movies are: Bedazzled, 13 going on 30, Big, Ghost Rider, Can't Buy Me Love, Limitless and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
But, what does it mean? Do people really want to "sell their souls" for "unlimited "anything"?
I think we do, and I think that in the day to day scheme of life people are constantly making deals with the devil to better their existence and to get one step closers to that human zenith of self gratification.
We look at ourselves in the mirror and think. If I could be this, then I can do that? If I looked like this, then I can be that? If I were as smart as this, then I can have that?
Face-it friends we think like that all the time right? I know I do. Why lie? That is the whole point of this blog to get the facts out on my life.
Yeah, I would love to be richer, smarter, beautiful, and thinner. To be honest with you, if someone were to offer me those things for an exchange of something I hold most dear, it would be difficult to say "no"
I hope that I would be strong enough too. I hope that if ever faced with the temptation of limitless bless verses with the result of eternal damnation that I would be strong enough to say "No thank you, I am happy with what and who I am and I will continue on as I am."
But seriously folks don't you just think about the possibilities? My favorite Faustian themes have to do with the characters going forward in their lives (Big and 13 going on 30) and see the consequences or the possible consequences of their actions.
In the movie Big, Tom Hank's character is a 13 year old kid in the body of a 30 year old man, and while Tom Hank's comedic genius made the movie one of the best of its time, the Faustian theme makes the more intelligent movie go take pause and really think. If I were a kid given a chance to be an adult for one week, what choices would I make?
I use to think about that as a child. I thought, if I could be a grown up for just one week, I could solve all of the world's problems.
Or, in the movie 13 Going on 30 our main character suddenly finds herself a 13 year old in her 30 year old body. This movie different from Big, is that in Big the character simply aged and everyone else stayed the same, he did not fast forward in time to his life as a 30 year old, where in 13 going on 30 our character fast forwards to her life at 30, and she sees the consequences of her choices.
But, like all good Hollywood movies, happy endings prevail and the characters are able to right the wrongs of their choices and move on with much happier lives.
We all know that in real life that doesn't happen, in fact in real life we can't move forward or backwards to correct or change our lives because we suddenly feel unhappy with them. No, we are stuck in the present forced to make do with what we have.
You know what I would love to do? I would love to go back in time as myself, but as myself looking like I do now (just younger) with this thin body. I would like to go back and see what would be different. Would I score with my crush? Would I be voted prom queen? Would I get the lead in the play? How would my life been different if I were different?
...and who wouldn't exists or what relationships and friendships will never occur if I changed the past? Would I be willing to give that up? That is a difficult question.
One that Faust may not have considered when he sold his soul.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Total Failure
Well, I thought going "silent" on social media was a noble thing. Sort of like a self sacrifice martyr-ish sort of thing to do.
What I realized is only one person, whom I didn't answer back and I will remedy that, actually cared. A simple, "Is everything okay?"
Okay, now granted I said I was going "silent" so I'm assuming that everyone was simply just respecting my privacy. Which is cool.
But, what I did notice is that and this is hard to believe, the world of Facebook kept turning without me. Crazy huh? It didn't seem to matter that I was gone. Everyone did there thing and went on living.
I guess that is a lesson for me too, huh? To keep on living, to keep going forward.
In the past few weeks a lot of "bad" things have happened in my life, and trying to process it out has been a challenge. What I have come to discover is that I don't allow myself any leeway in life. I don't allow myself to just fail.
My goal was to start finding "Joy" but when I couldn't find it, I felt like a failure, I felt "geez" I can't even do this right! When I felt I wasted an entire summer and came to the end realizing that I had nothing prepared for my firs Girl Scout meeting nor did I have an interest in it I felt like a failure. When I started back to work and my enthusiasm was wane and sluggish I felt I had failed. When my dear friend died, and I knew I could have maybe done something, I felt like I failed. Then the straw that broke the camels back....I failed my math entrance exam in order to move to the next level of my college course work.
That did it. That was the end of it. I had felt like a total failure, I felt "what was the point" So, in this self sacrificing way, I said screw it, I'll go silent. I'll SHOW everyone how upset I am, what I loser I feel like...
What I found was that even my closest and dearest friends just said nothing....except for one friend who I've never met actually asked "Is everything okay?"
That is when I realized I ask way too much of people and in turn ask way to much of myself. That doesn't mean I have "changed my ways" Heck no, it means that now I am more aware, and now I understand what it means to "guard your heart"
People hurt people, it is a sad fact of life. I can't stop that cycle, I am just one person, and I can't help or cure an other's hurt or pain, until I deal with myself and my own issues.
I hope this goes out and those who are important in my life see this.
Loving you is not an issue, and it never has been...its loving myself that is the problem. When someone doesn't love themselves how can they love others? To me this is a total failure....
What I realized is only one person, whom I didn't answer back and I will remedy that, actually cared. A simple, "Is everything okay?"
Okay, now granted I said I was going "silent" so I'm assuming that everyone was simply just respecting my privacy. Which is cool.
But, what I did notice is that and this is hard to believe, the world of Facebook kept turning without me. Crazy huh? It didn't seem to matter that I was gone. Everyone did there thing and went on living.
I guess that is a lesson for me too, huh? To keep on living, to keep going forward.
In the past few weeks a lot of "bad" things have happened in my life, and trying to process it out has been a challenge. What I have come to discover is that I don't allow myself any leeway in life. I don't allow myself to just fail.
My goal was to start finding "Joy" but when I couldn't find it, I felt like a failure, I felt "geez" I can't even do this right! When I felt I wasted an entire summer and came to the end realizing that I had nothing prepared for my firs Girl Scout meeting nor did I have an interest in it I felt like a failure. When I started back to work and my enthusiasm was wane and sluggish I felt I had failed. When my dear friend died, and I knew I could have maybe done something, I felt like I failed. Then the straw that broke the camels back....I failed my math entrance exam in order to move to the next level of my college course work.
That did it. That was the end of it. I had felt like a total failure, I felt "what was the point" So, in this self sacrificing way, I said screw it, I'll go silent. I'll SHOW everyone how upset I am, what I loser I feel like...
What I found was that even my closest and dearest friends just said nothing....except for one friend who I've never met actually asked "Is everything okay?"
That is when I realized I ask way too much of people and in turn ask way to much of myself. That doesn't mean I have "changed my ways" Heck no, it means that now I am more aware, and now I understand what it means to "guard your heart"
People hurt people, it is a sad fact of life. I can't stop that cycle, I am just one person, and I can't help or cure an other's hurt or pain, until I deal with myself and my own issues.
I hope this goes out and those who are important in my life see this.
Loving you is not an issue, and it never has been...its loving myself that is the problem. When someone doesn't love themselves how can they love others? To me this is a total failure....
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Setting Myself Up for Failure
I figured I would write this now while I was still emotionally charged up. I am trying to get down to 145lbs by October. I am working with a friend to lose weight.
My friend is very motivated and is doing GREAT. Me....I suck!!!!
I'm over my calories, I'm not exercising enough, and I've gained 2 lbs!!!! I hate this!!! I am so frustrated!
I just don't have the time to put into this. I'm tired. I am so behind on so much right now. I haven't even planned my Girl Scout meeting which is on Thursday! I haven't studied for my Math Placement test which I have on Saturday. Can't concentrate and every little thing is getting on my nerves. I mean little things. Like the sound of my daughter crunching on a pickle! It is irritating. I got mad at her because she was sitting next to me and she kept slamming her hand down on the couch and would jar me and I was like the worst thing in the world.
Can't explain it. I just feel so out of control!
Things are just spinning and spinning and it doesn't stop. It is like everyone just wants a little piece of me and no one will be happy until there is nothing left of me.
Just don't know how much longer I can hang on to myself without totally blowing apart.
I use to be so organized and so focused on the goals and now, I can barely think past the next moment!!!
Failure just seems so eminent...
My friend is very motivated and is doing GREAT. Me....I suck!!!!
I'm over my calories, I'm not exercising enough, and I've gained 2 lbs!!!! I hate this!!! I am so frustrated!
I just don't have the time to put into this. I'm tired. I am so behind on so much right now. I haven't even planned my Girl Scout meeting which is on Thursday! I haven't studied for my Math Placement test which I have on Saturday. Can't concentrate and every little thing is getting on my nerves. I mean little things. Like the sound of my daughter crunching on a pickle! It is irritating. I got mad at her because she was sitting next to me and she kept slamming her hand down on the couch and would jar me and I was like the worst thing in the world.
Can't explain it. I just feel so out of control!
Things are just spinning and spinning and it doesn't stop. It is like everyone just wants a little piece of me and no one will be happy until there is nothing left of me.
Just don't know how much longer I can hang on to myself without totally blowing apart.
I use to be so organized and so focused on the goals and now, I can barely think past the next moment!!!
Failure just seems so eminent...
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Good Day
Well, today was the first day back to school for me and the kids. I am so glad to be back! I will be even more happy when I get to my classes and start working with the kids and the teachers. Today was just inputting data on the students.
I've started logging into Livestrong.com on the suggestion of a friend who wants me to do this with them to help keep them and myself motivated. It is a good program and it really makes things so much easier. However it is very frustrating because I seem to eat up all my calories in the beginning of the day! I exercise which is great, but I just don't know how I'm going to lose weight at this pace. The fact is, I'm hungry! I need to figure something out. In the mean time, I just need to keep exercising so I don't gain any weight.
A good thing happened today. I passed my teacher's profiency exam for History. So, as far as the state of Arizona is concerned I am highly qualified in Special Education and History. Cool huh? I was really pretty nervous. I saw the email come in and I was like "OH My God!" So I closed my eyes as I opened up the PDF file. Then screamed at the top of my lungs when I saw the word "PASSED" typed on the top!!!
It was so awesome!!!
Well, I'm going to head to bed here.
Have a great night and a good day tomorrow!
Namaste
I've started logging into Livestrong.com on the suggestion of a friend who wants me to do this with them to help keep them and myself motivated. It is a good program and it really makes things so much easier. However it is very frustrating because I seem to eat up all my calories in the beginning of the day! I exercise which is great, but I just don't know how I'm going to lose weight at this pace. The fact is, I'm hungry! I need to figure something out. In the mean time, I just need to keep exercising so I don't gain any weight.
A good thing happened today. I passed my teacher's profiency exam for History. So, as far as the state of Arizona is concerned I am highly qualified in Special Education and History. Cool huh? I was really pretty nervous. I saw the email come in and I was like "OH My God!" So I closed my eyes as I opened up the PDF file. Then screamed at the top of my lungs when I saw the word "PASSED" typed on the top!!!
It was so awesome!!!
Well, I'm going to head to bed here.
Have a great night and a good day tomorrow!
Namaste
First Day Back!
As you may notice, my blogs are probably going to be short and more specific. But that is okay. I figure that there will be time I will be inspired, and then I will write something in Word, and then post it later. :-)
Today is the first day of school for all of us.
My son starts High School, my daughter Jr. High!
Wow they have grown so much!
I am very excited about this new school year for me. I'm a little stressed because I have not taken my Math Placement test to continue on with my college courses, but I am making a commitment to do it on Saturday so I need to study the math this week.
Also, I get the results of my History AEPA. I really hope I passed, I did not feel very confident. But if I do fail I pray that I don't be overwhelmed with disappointment.
Well, wish me luck and blessing
Have a wonderful day my friends
Nameste!
Today is the first day of school for all of us.
My son starts High School, my daughter Jr. High!
Wow they have grown so much!
I am very excited about this new school year for me. I'm a little stressed because I have not taken my Math Placement test to continue on with my college courses, but I am making a commitment to do it on Saturday so I need to study the math this week.
Also, I get the results of my History AEPA. I really hope I passed, I did not feel very confident. But if I do fail I pray that I don't be overwhelmed with disappointment.
Well, wish me luck and blessing
Have a wonderful day my friends
Nameste!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Speed Blogging!
Hi Friends
Today was a weird day, and I forgot to blog until about 30 seconds ago. Plus I am going to bed here in like 5 mins.
I just wanted to say that I love you all.
Tomorrow I start back to school. I am so looking forward to it. Summer was good but it is good to get back into a routine. I do better with routines.
So, I'm gonna start putting together a schedule I can live with. Get back into a fitness routine and watch what I eat.
So, I'm going to say goodnight and I apologize for the brevity of this blog.
Nameste
Today was a weird day, and I forgot to blog until about 30 seconds ago. Plus I am going to bed here in like 5 mins.
I just wanted to say that I love you all.
Tomorrow I start back to school. I am so looking forward to it. Summer was good but it is good to get back into a routine. I do better with routines.
So, I'm gonna start putting together a schedule I can live with. Get back into a fitness routine and watch what I eat.
So, I'm going to say goodnight and I apologize for the brevity of this blog.
Nameste
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Texas Hold-Um!
My last few blogs have been rather depressing. So, I figured I would talk about something very positive!
Tonight was the Sedona Palms Casino Night Fundraising Event.
For those of you who do not know what Sedona Palms is, let me explain it to you. Sedona Palms is a Community minded, doctor monitored, and professionally staffed weight loss and fitness center. Founded by Dr. Troy Anderson a Neurologist and Sleep Medicine doctor (as well as retired Navy Officer). Dr. Anderson found that so many of his patients were dying from strokes and heart attacks because of obesity, and no one was willing to help these people. After much research on the subject of obesity and learning the truth behind the disease. Dr. Anderson with the compassion that is not found very often in the medical community went on a mission to help those who are suffering from the disease of obesity.
Now, I've blogged a lot about obesity, because I suffer from the disease. I was at one time at my highest weight 300lbs. Now I'm down to a svelte 150lbs, but I still consider myself in "recovery" because weight loss and having a healthy diet is a life long commitment that to many people is nearly impossible to achieve. Why? Because food addiction is the most deadliest addiction out there, and there is no where for people to get help.
Until Now.
If you are in the Phoenix, AZ area and you suffer from obesity and you feel you have come to the end of your rope, there is help. Sedona Palms is a loving, compassionate, caring, and spiritual centered organization. Also, it is ran 100% by donations. Yep. Technically there is no fee. Athletes are asked to raise money to help with the day to day costs of running the business, but this is a 501(c)3 Not for Profit organization, and it WORKS!
www.sedonapalms.com
Okay, so getting back to the fun stuff. :-)
Tonight was the foundation's Casino Night Fundraising Event. You paid $25 per ticket and you got $500 in chips. You have the option to purchase more chips if you want. So, I got $1000 worth of chips for $50.
Now, I have never considered myself much of a gambler. In fact, I try to avoid it as much as possible, because I NEVER win!
But, tonight was different. I was there for the foundation that I love and it was for a cause that I support, so I figured the heck with it. It is just play money, and the only thing I'd lose was a chance for a prize at the end of the night.
So, there were several choices: Blackjack, roulette, slots, craps, and Texas Hold-um. Looking over my options and actually knowing something about Casinos. One because besides going to Florida every summer when I was a kid, we also use to go to Atlantic City, and when you go as often as I did, you start to pick up on which games have the best odds and two I live 6 hours from Las Vegas. Really??!!
So, I know the odds were in my favor if I played Texas Hold-um, well for one you don't play against the House like you do in Blackjack.
At 5:30pm I sat at the table, had my drink and some snacks with me and with a cheeky grin stated that while I know how to play poker I'm not very good at the betting. That got me some tutoring on how to play this game effectively.
Now, something you need to know about me. I'm highly intelligent and I pick up on things rather quickly. So, after a few little blunders I picked up game and started getting serious. Well, I'll tell you, I understand the rush that gamblers get when they play, especially when they are winning.
See, I wasn't playing with my money, so dropping $100 raises was nothing.
I did learn a few things about myself. I have SEVERAL Tells.
If you don't know what a "Tell" is, it is simply a subtle non-verbal action that a person does that gives away their hand. So, here are my "tells"
When I have a "Good" hand...I play with my hair
When I have a "Bad" hand...I bite my bottom lip
hehe...so now that you know these, next time I play I need to be very conscience of them.
Anyway, 3 hours, 3 beers, and yummy food later...I walk away from the table with "$5400" Yep! Okay, it wasn't a REAL $5400 but, it put me in first place, and in the end I won a $100 Visa Gift Card! Sweet!
It was a really fun night. Especially since I was the only woman at the table, all the other players were men, and I found that flirting tends to be a good way to get someone distracted. LOL.... :-)
So, good times.
The foundation decided that this was something we would do every few months. It is open to anyone who wants to come!
Please take a minute to visit the Sedona Palms website, and even if you are not in Arizona, contact us and support our athletes and maybe if your community is serious we can come and establish a Sedona Palms in your community. :-)
Namaste
Tonight was the Sedona Palms Casino Night Fundraising Event.
For those of you who do not know what Sedona Palms is, let me explain it to you. Sedona Palms is a Community minded, doctor monitored, and professionally staffed weight loss and fitness center. Founded by Dr. Troy Anderson a Neurologist and Sleep Medicine doctor (as well as retired Navy Officer). Dr. Anderson found that so many of his patients were dying from strokes and heart attacks because of obesity, and no one was willing to help these people. After much research on the subject of obesity and learning the truth behind the disease. Dr. Anderson with the compassion that is not found very often in the medical community went on a mission to help those who are suffering from the disease of obesity.
Now, I've blogged a lot about obesity, because I suffer from the disease. I was at one time at my highest weight 300lbs. Now I'm down to a svelte 150lbs, but I still consider myself in "recovery" because weight loss and having a healthy diet is a life long commitment that to many people is nearly impossible to achieve. Why? Because food addiction is the most deadliest addiction out there, and there is no where for people to get help.
Until Now.
If you are in the Phoenix, AZ area and you suffer from obesity and you feel you have come to the end of your rope, there is help. Sedona Palms is a loving, compassionate, caring, and spiritual centered organization. Also, it is ran 100% by donations. Yep. Technically there is no fee. Athletes are asked to raise money to help with the day to day costs of running the business, but this is a 501(c)3 Not for Profit organization, and it WORKS!
www.sedonapalms.com
Okay, so getting back to the fun stuff. :-)
Tonight was the foundation's Casino Night Fundraising Event. You paid $25 per ticket and you got $500 in chips. You have the option to purchase more chips if you want. So, I got $1000 worth of chips for $50.
Now, I have never considered myself much of a gambler. In fact, I try to avoid it as much as possible, because I NEVER win!
But, tonight was different. I was there for the foundation that I love and it was for a cause that I support, so I figured the heck with it. It is just play money, and the only thing I'd lose was a chance for a prize at the end of the night.
So, there were several choices: Blackjack, roulette, slots, craps, and Texas Hold-um. Looking over my options and actually knowing something about Casinos. One because besides going to Florida every summer when I was a kid, we also use to go to Atlantic City, and when you go as often as I did, you start to pick up on which games have the best odds and two I live 6 hours from Las Vegas. Really??!!
So, I know the odds were in my favor if I played Texas Hold-um, well for one you don't play against the House like you do in Blackjack.
At 5:30pm I sat at the table, had my drink and some snacks with me and with a cheeky grin stated that while I know how to play poker I'm not very good at the betting. That got me some tutoring on how to play this game effectively.
Now, something you need to know about me. I'm highly intelligent and I pick up on things rather quickly. So, after a few little blunders I picked up game and started getting serious. Well, I'll tell you, I understand the rush that gamblers get when they play, especially when they are winning.
See, I wasn't playing with my money, so dropping $100 raises was nothing.
I did learn a few things about myself. I have SEVERAL Tells.
If you don't know what a "Tell" is, it is simply a subtle non-verbal action that a person does that gives away their hand. So, here are my "tells"
When I have a "Good" hand...I play with my hair
When I have a "Bad" hand...I bite my bottom lip
hehe...so now that you know these, next time I play I need to be very conscience of them.
Anyway, 3 hours, 3 beers, and yummy food later...I walk away from the table with "$5400" Yep! Okay, it wasn't a REAL $5400 but, it put me in first place, and in the end I won a $100 Visa Gift Card! Sweet!
It was a really fun night. Especially since I was the only woman at the table, all the other players were men, and I found that flirting tends to be a good way to get someone distracted. LOL.... :-)
So, good times.
The foundation decided that this was something we would do every few months. It is open to anyone who wants to come!
Please take a minute to visit the Sedona Palms website, and even if you are not in Arizona, contact us and support our athletes and maybe if your community is serious we can come and establish a Sedona Palms in your community. :-)
Namaste
Friday, August 5, 2011
Roller Coaster
Up and Down, Up and Down. In the beginning it really is pretty exciting, but riding the same roller coaster over and over can in fact get tiresome after a while.
But, that's life right? Being subject to the ups and downs dictated by society and society norms. It's okay to ride a roller coaster so long as that roller coaster is approved by society norms.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm the sick one here. Perhaps I've just totally leap off the the deep end and I'm just going to keep falling and falling until I hit bottom and I hit it hard.
Or maybe I'll just be pushed off.
Either way, for me things are just not going to go well. I don't know what the heck I want. I am so confused so messed up, so tired of trying to be what I think I should be and then not being allowed to.
I just want to figure out my life. Why can't I just figure out my life? Why does there have to be so much stress and tension? Why can't there just be freedom and acceptance?
Who knows? I certainly don't.
But, that's life right? Being subject to the ups and downs dictated by society and society norms. It's okay to ride a roller coaster so long as that roller coaster is approved by society norms.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm the sick one here. Perhaps I've just totally leap off the the deep end and I'm just going to keep falling and falling until I hit bottom and I hit it hard.
Or maybe I'll just be pushed off.
Either way, for me things are just not going to go well. I don't know what the heck I want. I am so confused so messed up, so tired of trying to be what I think I should be and then not being allowed to.
I just want to figure out my life. Why can't I just figure out my life? Why does there have to be so much stress and tension? Why can't there just be freedom and acceptance?
Who knows? I certainly don't.
Judgement
I've started reading other people's blogs lately. Not people I know personally just people using the internet to seek out advice from other or to just have a forum to get their feelings out.
Many of the blogs are regarding relationships, some married some single.
This is what I see:
Women, who are truly feeling pain in their relationships who are trying to reach out because they have come to a point were they just can't take it anymore and they feel no one understands where they are coming from or they have tried to talk to friends, family, therapists, clergy and still feel that they haven't really gotten to the crux of the matter. So, they turn to the internet to try and get some insight from total strangers. And what happens?
They are met with judgement. Perfect strangers judging a perfect stranger. It is so cruel.
I know what it feels to not have anyone understand where I am coming from. Yes, I have friends whom I love and are well meaning, but when it comes down to it, I do not honestly believe that those who call themselves my friends really understand.
To be honest, I'm not being fair to them, because how can I expect anyone I personally know to say. "Oh yeah, that happens to me all the time." I believe many people censor themselves, they have things that they have done in their lives that are not things they want to advertise, and I respect that.
So, this blog is not about personal friends.
Its about all those "well meaning" people out there in Cyber World.
How dare you judge someone else? How dare you use someone else's pain as a spring board to your hateful negative behavior?
There are people out there who truly are hurting who really don't know what to do, who are caught up in situations that really matter to them, and all they want is someone to say that they understand.
I was reading this one woman's blog regarding her relationship and that her partner's looks were going downhill, her partner was not keeping themselves up the way they use to and the intimacy of their relationship was suffering. I really empathized with this woman.
It takes a lot of courage to write out your feelings and put them out there on a public forum, because this is what she got:
"Whatever the case is... YOU are handling the situation terribly! You're very insensitive and you already know that you come off as sounding shallow. You should show concern for your partner instead of insults."
"I am beginning to think that women really are shallow."
These were a couple of the more milder responses to this woman's blog. People were calling her names and it was really cruel.
The truth is, what right does anyone have to sit in judgement of another person? If a person is hurting and they truly feel that their situation is important enough to need perfect strangers advise, then why judge?
I do believe that people who judge others do so because they are unhappy with their lives, because the problem the person they are judging is a problem the judge has with themselves.
For example, if a thin person were to say "I am not attracted to my partner because my partner has gained weight" an over weight person would say something like "You need to start loving people for what is on the inside, you are an insensitive B%$#@"
This isn't about weight, it is about other things, do not misinterpret. All I am saying, is maybe we has human beings need to stop being so mean to others. Everyone has a legitimate reason for feeling they way they feel.
Just because someone else's feelings are in opposition to your feelings does not mean that those feelings are wrong. They just are what they are.
Tolerance friends. Tolerance.
You may not agree with what your friend is feeling, and you may not agree with the way your friend is handling a situation, but your friend is dealing with the situation they only way they know how, so instead of putting them down and giving them advise based on YOUR needs, maybe all you need to do is listen and not give advice but just give some love.
Namaste
Many of the blogs are regarding relationships, some married some single.
This is what I see:
Women, who are truly feeling pain in their relationships who are trying to reach out because they have come to a point were they just can't take it anymore and they feel no one understands where they are coming from or they have tried to talk to friends, family, therapists, clergy and still feel that they haven't really gotten to the crux of the matter. So, they turn to the internet to try and get some insight from total strangers. And what happens?
They are met with judgement. Perfect strangers judging a perfect stranger. It is so cruel.
I know what it feels to not have anyone understand where I am coming from. Yes, I have friends whom I love and are well meaning, but when it comes down to it, I do not honestly believe that those who call themselves my friends really understand.
To be honest, I'm not being fair to them, because how can I expect anyone I personally know to say. "Oh yeah, that happens to me all the time." I believe many people censor themselves, they have things that they have done in their lives that are not things they want to advertise, and I respect that.
So, this blog is not about personal friends.
Its about all those "well meaning" people out there in Cyber World.
How dare you judge someone else? How dare you use someone else's pain as a spring board to your hateful negative behavior?
There are people out there who truly are hurting who really don't know what to do, who are caught up in situations that really matter to them, and all they want is someone to say that they understand.
I was reading this one woman's blog regarding her relationship and that her partner's looks were going downhill, her partner was not keeping themselves up the way they use to and the intimacy of their relationship was suffering. I really empathized with this woman.
It takes a lot of courage to write out your feelings and put them out there on a public forum, because this is what she got:
"Whatever the case is... YOU are handling the situation terribly! You're very insensitive and you already know that you come off as sounding shallow. You should show concern for your partner instead of insults."
"I am beginning to think that women really are shallow."
These were a couple of the more milder responses to this woman's blog. People were calling her names and it was really cruel.
The truth is, what right does anyone have to sit in judgement of another person? If a person is hurting and they truly feel that their situation is important enough to need perfect strangers advise, then why judge?
I do believe that people who judge others do so because they are unhappy with their lives, because the problem the person they are judging is a problem the judge has with themselves.
For example, if a thin person were to say "I am not attracted to my partner because my partner has gained weight" an over weight person would say something like "You need to start loving people for what is on the inside, you are an insensitive B%$#@"
This isn't about weight, it is about other things, do not misinterpret. All I am saying, is maybe we has human beings need to stop being so mean to others. Everyone has a legitimate reason for feeling they way they feel.
Just because someone else's feelings are in opposition to your feelings does not mean that those feelings are wrong. They just are what they are.
Tolerance friends. Tolerance.
You may not agree with what your friend is feeling, and you may not agree with the way your friend is handling a situation, but your friend is dealing with the situation they only way they know how, so instead of putting them down and giving them advise based on YOUR needs, maybe all you need to do is listen and not give advice but just give some love.
Namaste
Catharsis
Catharsis or katharsis (Ancient Greek: κάθαρσις) is a Greek word meaning "cleansing" or "purging". It is derived from the verb καθαίρειν,kathairein, "to purify, purge," and it is related to the adjective καθαρός, katharos, "pure or clean."
That is what I feel right now. Like I've purge out all the yuck and got it all out and now I can move forward.
I will not stop writing my blog, and if readers out there believe that anything I write is directed at someone or something specific, it may be better for you as a reader to not read my blogs.
Blogging has been a Catharsis for me. It has given me a way to purge all the negative feelings and to explore new more positive feelings and to cultivate new ideas about things, people, events...etc.
Life should not be stuck in one place, it is a constant moving thing. Life is alive, it breathes and it has a soul, but so many people want to take Life and place it on a shelf and not fully experience all the richness of it. I want to experience the richness of life, and I need to start by walking away from things that tie me down.
I am confident now in things that I felt unsure of. Recent events have given me new insight. I am seeing things differently and realize that I have to explore for myself. Happiness must come from within me. Joy must be mine and mine alone.
Other people should not be responsible for my happiness, however there are people in this world who make me happy, but I will not depend or burden them, but enjoy the happiness that have been cultivated in these friendships.
Humans need other humans, we are not islands unto ourselves drifting in a sea of desolation. We are flesh and bone, spirit and soul. Not stone.
Don't be a stone my friends. Be a spirit. embrace yourself and love yourself. Find your joy inside your heart. Once you have found your joy in your heart and once you have owned your feelings only then can you truly be accepting of others.
Whatever you do, don't burn bridges. Value each person in your life as if they were the most important person on the face of the planet. Make that person feel valued and wanted. Humans need humans enjoy your humanity.
Peace and love to you all. May Christ Bless your lives. May love abide in you always.
Namaste
That is what I feel right now. Like I've purge out all the yuck and got it all out and now I can move forward.
I will not stop writing my blog, and if readers out there believe that anything I write is directed at someone or something specific, it may be better for you as a reader to not read my blogs.
Blogging has been a Catharsis for me. It has given me a way to purge all the negative feelings and to explore new more positive feelings and to cultivate new ideas about things, people, events...etc.
Life should not be stuck in one place, it is a constant moving thing. Life is alive, it breathes and it has a soul, but so many people want to take Life and place it on a shelf and not fully experience all the richness of it. I want to experience the richness of life, and I need to start by walking away from things that tie me down.
I am confident now in things that I felt unsure of. Recent events have given me new insight. I am seeing things differently and realize that I have to explore for myself. Happiness must come from within me. Joy must be mine and mine alone.
Other people should not be responsible for my happiness, however there are people in this world who make me happy, but I will not depend or burden them, but enjoy the happiness that have been cultivated in these friendships.
Humans need other humans, we are not islands unto ourselves drifting in a sea of desolation. We are flesh and bone, spirit and soul. Not stone.
Don't be a stone my friends. Be a spirit. embrace yourself and love yourself. Find your joy inside your heart. Once you have found your joy in your heart and once you have owned your feelings only then can you truly be accepting of others.
Whatever you do, don't burn bridges. Value each person in your life as if they were the most important person on the face of the planet. Make that person feel valued and wanted. Humans need humans enjoy your humanity.
Peace and love to you all. May Christ Bless your lives. May love abide in you always.
Namaste
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I'm so done
I am so done with everything right now. I am so done with feeling the way I feel, of being what I am, of hurting people around me.
My brain is going a million miles a minute. I'm not broken, I don't need to be fixed. I'm just confused and need to recenter myself.
I feel like I am living outside of my body. I look at people, I interact with people and yet it is not me. I don't know who this woman is.
Friends are getting angry at me. Friends are backing away from me. My family is get wary again, afraid I may snap or something. I am so tired. The emotional energy that has been expended in this need to hold it all together is exhausting.
I'm feeling physically sick. Migraines and stomach aches. My heart is racing and I can't breath. The anxiety is out of control, and trying to hold myself together is so exhausting.
There is no point in asking anyone for help because even though all of you are well meaning you really have no idea what I am going through. You have no idea. You may think you do because of your experiences in life or maybe you suffer from a mental illness and therefore makes you an expert.
But you don't live my life. You don't live inside of my skin. You don't feel what I feel. Every person is different and one person's experiences are different from another's. We can not hope to understand what others are thinking nor should we try. However, we should understand what others feel and not judge them based on their feelings.
Feelings can't be wrong. They are inherent to the self. Yet for some people it just seems easier to tell another person that their feelings are not valid, that they have no right to feel what they feel, that feeling the way they do is wrong or sinful. That if they do feel a certain way then you better get on your knees and pray for absolution from those feelings because those feelings will destroy you.
So, we come numb. We stop feeling. We walk through life like a zombie, not feeling only existing, and as long as you are doing what you are suppose to do: hold a job, pay your bills, raise your kids, be a good spouse, go to church, be there for others...etc, etc. then all is good. Because it is always about others.
Others are more important, if you don't care for others then you are selfish. Am I right in saying this? Am I right in saying that we have been told by well meaning friends that there needs are more important and you are being selfish for not catering to their feelings and that your feelings are not important because theirs are more important.
We just nod and say "sure no problem, whatever you want." We don't fight back, because we are so tired of fighting. We don't stand up for ourselves because as soon as we do there is someone who feels it is their moral obligation to knock you back down.
How can I possibly find my own joy, my own self, my own happiness if I can't even own my feelings?
My brain is going a million miles a minute. I'm not broken, I don't need to be fixed. I'm just confused and need to recenter myself.
I feel like I am living outside of my body. I look at people, I interact with people and yet it is not me. I don't know who this woman is.
Friends are getting angry at me. Friends are backing away from me. My family is get wary again, afraid I may snap or something. I am so tired. The emotional energy that has been expended in this need to hold it all together is exhausting.
I'm feeling physically sick. Migraines and stomach aches. My heart is racing and I can't breath. The anxiety is out of control, and trying to hold myself together is so exhausting.
There is no point in asking anyone for help because even though all of you are well meaning you really have no idea what I am going through. You have no idea. You may think you do because of your experiences in life or maybe you suffer from a mental illness and therefore makes you an expert.
But you don't live my life. You don't live inside of my skin. You don't feel what I feel. Every person is different and one person's experiences are different from another's. We can not hope to understand what others are thinking nor should we try. However, we should understand what others feel and not judge them based on their feelings.
Feelings can't be wrong. They are inherent to the self. Yet for some people it just seems easier to tell another person that their feelings are not valid, that they have no right to feel what they feel, that feeling the way they do is wrong or sinful. That if they do feel a certain way then you better get on your knees and pray for absolution from those feelings because those feelings will destroy you.
So, we come numb. We stop feeling. We walk through life like a zombie, not feeling only existing, and as long as you are doing what you are suppose to do: hold a job, pay your bills, raise your kids, be a good spouse, go to church, be there for others...etc, etc. then all is good. Because it is always about others.
Others are more important, if you don't care for others then you are selfish. Am I right in saying this? Am I right in saying that we have been told by well meaning friends that there needs are more important and you are being selfish for not catering to their feelings and that your feelings are not important because theirs are more important.
We just nod and say "sure no problem, whatever you want." We don't fight back, because we are so tired of fighting. We don't stand up for ourselves because as soon as we do there is someone who feels it is their moral obligation to knock you back down.
How can I possibly find my own joy, my own self, my own happiness if I can't even own my feelings?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sabotage
Purposely doing something to ruin any positive thing in your life.
yep, that's me...
Because I routinely sabotage my life, I find I make really bad decisions. Maybe my decisions are not really "bad" just poorly executed.
Eating is certainly one of them. I find that what triggers my eating is any number of things. This is where taking control of my life really needs to come in. I can't even hope to break bad habits until I take control of my life. I just don't know where to start.
I thought I did. At least in California I thought I did. Things seemed so much clearer when I was in Cali. I thought that I had made firm decisions about thing. I thought I knew what I needed to do to get back on track.
However, now that I'm home I find I am back into old habits. I hate it.
Why can't I just get my head on straight? Why am I going down a road of self-destruction and sabotaging everything that I have worked so hard to achieve.
For instance college. Okay so I've completed level 1 courses and I have a 4.0. Fantastic! Right? Okay well, all I have to do to get into Level 2 is fill out some paperwork (easy) get 2 letters of recommendation (done) schedule, take and pass at least one of my AEPA's (did it!) and pass the math portion of the Accuplacer placement test (um.....yeah......)
I have to pass a bloody MATH TEST!! I can't do it! I failed it the first time, and I suck at math. I have severe Math anxiety and I just don't get it!
Ugh! It is so frustrating. I am almost 40 years old and I can't even do a simple Math problem, and yet I'm a genius when it comes to writing. I can support detailed historical information, I write fantastic editorials, I have a Master's Degree and yet.....I have the Math skills of a 1st grader.
It makes me feel so stupid. This is what is holding me back. I'm not going to be able to go forward.
Like my weight loss and fitness, I get scared. I lose that motivational force that keeps me going. That energy that drives me forward. Why can't I have that everyday? That wonderful feeling of success, that feeling that you have achieved the greatest goal.
I'm holding myself back. I know I am. I get tongued tie around people, I start saying stupid things and doing stupid things. My friends apparently get sick of me, and even my family doesn't even know what to do with me.
Change has got to come soon. Something has got to break. If I keep going down this road whatever road I am on right now, I will sabotage my entire life. I will lose everything I've worked for.
I can't see myself as successful. Maybe that is my problem. I can't see myself as successful. It is like I need someone else, some outside source to validate me. I need someone else to tell me that I'm worth something. I still can't see myself as worthwhile. I can't see myself as someone who is worth anything.
Many people just don't get it, I know my family doesn't. They all think, or at least I perceive that they think that because I have them, I should be grateful and content with my life. Hell, I'm even afraid now to write my blogs for fear my family is going to take something I say the wrong way and then all hell will break loose.
Change. I need change, but when I say that they think it is about them. Why can't anyone see that this is about me? My issues, my problems, my needs. But, no I have to deal with everyone else's problems first. Everyone lays their crap on me, and expect me to pick up the pieces.
What about my pieces? I'm feel like I am going to burst into a million of pieces any moment, and no one will be there to put me back together, or when I do they will all just look at me and say, "well good luck putting it back together."
I know, others hurt. I get that. But, it just seems like I have to be concerned with other people an not myself.
So, sabotage. I sabotage everything, because it appears that for me there is no sense of self.
yep, that's me...
Because I routinely sabotage my life, I find I make really bad decisions. Maybe my decisions are not really "bad" just poorly executed.
Eating is certainly one of them. I find that what triggers my eating is any number of things. This is where taking control of my life really needs to come in. I can't even hope to break bad habits until I take control of my life. I just don't know where to start.
I thought I did. At least in California I thought I did. Things seemed so much clearer when I was in Cali. I thought that I had made firm decisions about thing. I thought I knew what I needed to do to get back on track.
However, now that I'm home I find I am back into old habits. I hate it.
Why can't I just get my head on straight? Why am I going down a road of self-destruction and sabotaging everything that I have worked so hard to achieve.
For instance college. Okay so I've completed level 1 courses and I have a 4.0. Fantastic! Right? Okay well, all I have to do to get into Level 2 is fill out some paperwork (easy) get 2 letters of recommendation (done) schedule, take and pass at least one of my AEPA's (did it!) and pass the math portion of the Accuplacer placement test (um.....yeah......)
I have to pass a bloody MATH TEST!! I can't do it! I failed it the first time, and I suck at math. I have severe Math anxiety and I just don't get it!
Ugh! It is so frustrating. I am almost 40 years old and I can't even do a simple Math problem, and yet I'm a genius when it comes to writing. I can support detailed historical information, I write fantastic editorials, I have a Master's Degree and yet.....I have the Math skills of a 1st grader.
It makes me feel so stupid. This is what is holding me back. I'm not going to be able to go forward.
Like my weight loss and fitness, I get scared. I lose that motivational force that keeps me going. That energy that drives me forward. Why can't I have that everyday? That wonderful feeling of success, that feeling that you have achieved the greatest goal.
I'm holding myself back. I know I am. I get tongued tie around people, I start saying stupid things and doing stupid things. My friends apparently get sick of me, and even my family doesn't even know what to do with me.
Change has got to come soon. Something has got to break. If I keep going down this road whatever road I am on right now, I will sabotage my entire life. I will lose everything I've worked for.
I can't see myself as successful. Maybe that is my problem. I can't see myself as successful. It is like I need someone else, some outside source to validate me. I need someone else to tell me that I'm worth something. I still can't see myself as worthwhile. I can't see myself as someone who is worth anything.
Many people just don't get it, I know my family doesn't. They all think, or at least I perceive that they think that because I have them, I should be grateful and content with my life. Hell, I'm even afraid now to write my blogs for fear my family is going to take something I say the wrong way and then all hell will break loose.
Change. I need change, but when I say that they think it is about them. Why can't anyone see that this is about me? My issues, my problems, my needs. But, no I have to deal with everyone else's problems first. Everyone lays their crap on me, and expect me to pick up the pieces.
What about my pieces? I'm feel like I am going to burst into a million of pieces any moment, and no one will be there to put me back together, or when I do they will all just look at me and say, "well good luck putting it back together."
I know, others hurt. I get that. But, it just seems like I have to be concerned with other people an not myself.
So, sabotage. I sabotage everything, because it appears that for me there is no sense of self.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Loss of a Friend
For a "Blogger" you go through your day thinking about what your next blog is going to be about, and you come to a point were you are sure nothing interesting or important will happen to you today that is worth writing about.
Then you get a phone call.
A phone call that changes your whole mood for the day. You find out that a friend has died.
Today August 2, 2011 we lost a dear friend. For those of you who read my blog and know me you know who I am talking about, for all you others let me tell you about this friend.
To be honest, I didn't really know him all that well. He was a mutual friend of a group of friends. See I have this group of friends that I have grown close to over the years. They were all met through a series of events and sort of like a snowball rolling down the hill the more events we attended the more friends became a part of this group.
We get together every month to play Dungeons and Dragons and do House Parties. The kids are all friends and the adults are close. We've done things with just the girls and we've done things with just the guys. We gone to the Renaissance Festival and we watched the Super Bowl Together.
Friends that are very dear are friends that you keep close to your heart. This group will always be close to my heart.
So, today when the call came you can imagine we were shocked. I don't have the details, it is assumed that he died at home and was found by his roommate who is also apart of this friendship circle. We know he was ill with several things, at this point I couldn't tell you the cause of death, but I can tell you he would have been only 40 years old this October. One year older than I.
I remember when I first met him, it was at a party. What I remember the most was this great smile he had and this wonderful sense of humor. He also gave the best hugs. Talking to him was amazing, he had a witty intellect and you just enjoyed being in his presence.
We know he loved strongly, yet was single.
I have several fond memories of him, one that is in the forefort was walking with him at the Renaissance Festival while he was pushing the daughter of one of our friends in her stroller. We were all dressed up in our costumes and here he was this bear of a man pushing a little girl in a stroller, it was so cute.
He was gentle, I remember that too.
I feel that he had a great capacity for love, you can tell that about a person in how they treat others. He treated others as if they were the only other person on earth and that he had their undivided attention. It made you feel good knowing that he paid that much attention. That is what I got from him.
I hadn't known him for long, and he had moved away and then came back and we were starting to get to know each other a little better. In fact, was looking forward to seeing him again next week.
What hurts me is that the next time our group gets together will be to remember our dear departed friend.
I dedicate this blog to you B.K. you were loved and cherished by all who know you.
Then you get a phone call.
A phone call that changes your whole mood for the day. You find out that a friend has died.
Today August 2, 2011 we lost a dear friend. For those of you who read my blog and know me you know who I am talking about, for all you others let me tell you about this friend.
To be honest, I didn't really know him all that well. He was a mutual friend of a group of friends. See I have this group of friends that I have grown close to over the years. They were all met through a series of events and sort of like a snowball rolling down the hill the more events we attended the more friends became a part of this group.
We get together every month to play Dungeons and Dragons and do House Parties. The kids are all friends and the adults are close. We've done things with just the girls and we've done things with just the guys. We gone to the Renaissance Festival and we watched the Super Bowl Together.
Friends that are very dear are friends that you keep close to your heart. This group will always be close to my heart.
So, today when the call came you can imagine we were shocked. I don't have the details, it is assumed that he died at home and was found by his roommate who is also apart of this friendship circle. We know he was ill with several things, at this point I couldn't tell you the cause of death, but I can tell you he would have been only 40 years old this October. One year older than I.
I remember when I first met him, it was at a party. What I remember the most was this great smile he had and this wonderful sense of humor. He also gave the best hugs. Talking to him was amazing, he had a witty intellect and you just enjoyed being in his presence.
We know he loved strongly, yet was single.
I have several fond memories of him, one that is in the forefort was walking with him at the Renaissance Festival while he was pushing the daughter of one of our friends in her stroller. We were all dressed up in our costumes and here he was this bear of a man pushing a little girl in a stroller, it was so cute.
He was gentle, I remember that too.
I feel that he had a great capacity for love, you can tell that about a person in how they treat others. He treated others as if they were the only other person on earth and that he had their undivided attention. It made you feel good knowing that he paid that much attention. That is what I got from him.
I hadn't known him for long, and he had moved away and then came back and we were starting to get to know each other a little better. In fact, was looking forward to seeing him again next week.
What hurts me is that the next time our group gets together will be to remember our dear departed friend.
I dedicate this blog to you B.K. you were loved and cherished by all who know you.
Monday, August 1, 2011
30 Years of MTV!
I was 8 years old. I didn't turn 9 until Sept 13th.
I remember I was at a friend's house we were having a slumber party, and they had cable. We all decided that we were going to stay awake until midnight to see the airing of this new channel called MTV.
As it turned out, only one friend and I managed to stay awake, and in the dark of the den with the glow of the consul TV we witnessed the future of music. MTV!
The guitar rift that has now immortalized the opening segments and the introductions of the music videos still sends chills down my spine and makes me tingle with excitement.
"Video Killed the Radio Star" was the first video aired and it was a great song! Still is...
From that moment on, the 80's were defined as the "Music Generation" and you know we did have the best music of any generation.
But, our music was defined by something that no other generation could claim. The 80's was a transition decade. We were at the beginning of the Technological Age and the end of the Cold War. We defined music, fashion, TV, and Movies.
Everything was iconic during the 80's.
I feel privileged to have grown up during the 80's. Anthropologist call the 80's the "Teenage Decade" and it was. It was great being a teen in the 80's. It seemed as if everything was made for us, and we felt as if we were on top of the world. We had cool music, cool clothes, cool everything.
Life was still good in the 80's people for the most part still felt safe. Kids could still go out and hang out on their own without too much worry. America was still #1!
There were some fears that loomed over us. One was always the threat of a Nuclear attack, which was just epitomized by movies such as: "Wargames" "The Day After" "The Terminator"
It was such a real threat to us Nuclear War. Inside of us we all had this latent fear that one day we would be sitting in front of our TV's watch MTV when that awful Emergency Broadcast System buzzer starts going off to tell us the the Soviets had launched an ICBM and it was headed for America.
I remember actually being terrified every time they tested the EBS. Even today, I break out in a cold sweat every time I hear that sound. It is almost like a PTSD symptom. No wonder so many of us in our 40's now take Anti-Anxiety medication.
So many event defined the 80's.
I remember I was at a friend's house we were having a slumber party, and they had cable. We all decided that we were going to stay awake until midnight to see the airing of this new channel called MTV.
As it turned out, only one friend and I managed to stay awake, and in the dark of the den with the glow of the consul TV we witnessed the future of music. MTV!
The guitar rift that has now immortalized the opening segments and the introductions of the music videos still sends chills down my spine and makes me tingle with excitement.
"Video Killed the Radio Star" was the first video aired and it was a great song! Still is...
From that moment on, the 80's were defined as the "Music Generation" and you know we did have the best music of any generation.
But, our music was defined by something that no other generation could claim. The 80's was a transition decade. We were at the beginning of the Technological Age and the end of the Cold War. We defined music, fashion, TV, and Movies.
Everything was iconic during the 80's.
I feel privileged to have grown up during the 80's. Anthropologist call the 80's the "Teenage Decade" and it was. It was great being a teen in the 80's. It seemed as if everything was made for us, and we felt as if we were on top of the world. We had cool music, cool clothes, cool everything.
Life was still good in the 80's people for the most part still felt safe. Kids could still go out and hang out on their own without too much worry. America was still #1!
There were some fears that loomed over us. One was always the threat of a Nuclear attack, which was just epitomized by movies such as: "Wargames" "The Day After" "The Terminator"
It was such a real threat to us Nuclear War. Inside of us we all had this latent fear that one day we would be sitting in front of our TV's watch MTV when that awful Emergency Broadcast System buzzer starts going off to tell us the the Soviets had launched an ICBM and it was headed for America.
I remember actually being terrified every time they tested the EBS. Even today, I break out in a cold sweat every time I hear that sound. It is almost like a PTSD symptom. No wonder so many of us in our 40's now take Anti-Anxiety medication.
So many event defined the 80's.
- The Reagan shooting
- The Challenger Disaster
- The First Woman in Space
- Mt. St. Helen eruption
- John Lennon killed
- AIDS
- US Embassy Bombing in Beirut
- Chernobyl
- Bombing of Pan Am 103
- The Fall of the Berlin Wall
These were just a few.
You know when I look back, I realized that I was really lucky to grow up in the 80's. I think of all the positive things that happened. The most important being the advances of Technology.
I look back and I think, "Wow, my cell phone has more memory and power and processing capabilities then my first computer!" What I think is also so great, is that my generation got to try out all these new toys! We were the test group. Which is probably why those of us in our 40's are so technologically savvy. We got to play with this stuff FIRST!
You know, it is funny but the Geeks really did inherit the earth! All those kids we made fun of. The pocket protector posse. The AV guys. The D&D groups. Yeah, we were mean but, these guys are now laughing in the faces of all the jocks who gave them wedges and swirlies because the jocks are now working for these guys who are now multimillionaires.
I have good friend who is about 6 months older than I. He is one of those guys. He is a guy I would have probably snickered at, would have looked at him in awe and thought he was nuts for all the crazy technology and fantasy stuff that he was into. But, now this guy is the head of the technology department of a college in my town, and to be honest he is kinda sexy in a geeky sort of way! Isn't that weird?
Wow, 30 years. Has it been that long? Has it been that long that life seemed simple and carefree, that we as teenagers thought we were invincible and nothing can touch us?
We were arrogant. I give you that. My generation is probably the most arrogant generation of them all. We had everything and we wanted everything.
We are also the longest working generation then any other.
What do I mean by that?
Easy.
My generation those of us in our 40's, started working around 15 years old. So from 15 to 40 that is 25 years. Now we probably won't be retiring until we are at least 75 years old, so take 40 to 75 and you have 35 years. That is 60 YEARS!!!! SIXTY!!!! My generation will have been steadily employed for SIXTY YEARS!!!
Isn't that incredible? My generation will probably require the most resources than any generation before or after too. We were are a transitive generation, we literally straddled to worlds. The world of the Baby Boomers and the world of the Gen Y'ers. We can literally see two sides of the same coin.
It is amazing.
Our parents were Baby Boomers and our Children are Gen Y'ers or Millennial. We have parents who don't get our music, and our kids who are embarrassed because we like Their music! LOL....
- Our parents don't get our technology, our kids teach us about our technology
- Our parents talk about the Great Depression, our kids live in an Economic Downturn.
- Our parents talk about Pearl Harbor, our kids remember 9/11
- Our parents remember the Kennedy Assassination, our kids celebrate Bin Laden's death.
- Our parents remember Dick Clark's American Bandstand, our kids celebrated the Millennium with Dick Clark
- Our parents were glad when we helped poor Afghanistan against the big bad Soviets, our kids are fighting in the desert because of the help.
It is fantastic. I think my Generation is the luckiest generation of all times. I love my generation. I love being almost 40. I love knowing that I have lived through some of the most fantastic events in history.
...and I'm so glad that I got a chance to see the Premier of MTV!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)