Total Failure

Well, I thought going "silent" on social media was a noble thing. Sort of like a self sacrifice martyr-ish sort of thing to do.

What I realized is only one person, whom I didn't answer back and I will remedy that, actually cared. A simple, "Is everything okay?"

Okay, now granted I said I was going "silent" so I'm assuming that everyone was simply just respecting my privacy. Which is cool.

But, what I did notice is that and this is hard to believe, the world of Facebook kept turning without me. Crazy huh? It didn't seem to matter that I was gone. Everyone did there thing and went on living.

I guess that is a lesson for me too, huh? To keep on living, to keep going forward.

In the past few weeks a lot of "bad" things have happened in my life, and trying to process it out has been a challenge. What I have come to discover is that I don't allow myself any leeway in life. I don't allow myself to just fail.

My goal was to start finding "Joy" but when I couldn't find it, I felt like a failure, I felt "geez" I can't even do this right! When I felt I wasted an entire summer and came to the end realizing that I had nothing prepared for my firs Girl Scout meeting nor did I have an interest in it I felt like a failure. When I started back to work and my enthusiasm was wane and sluggish I felt I had failed. When my dear friend died, and I knew I could have maybe done something, I felt like I failed. Then the straw that broke the camels back....I failed my math entrance exam in order to move to the next level of my college course work.

That did it. That was the end of it. I had felt like a total failure, I felt "what was the point" So, in this self sacrificing way, I said screw it, I'll go silent. I'll SHOW everyone how upset I am, what I loser I feel like...

What I found was that even my closest and dearest friends just said nothing....except for one friend who I've never met actually asked "Is everything okay?"

That is when I realized I ask way too much of people and in turn ask way to much of myself. That doesn't mean I have "changed my ways" Heck no, it means that now I am more aware, and now I understand what it means to "guard your heart"

People hurt people, it is a sad fact of life. I can't stop that cycle, I am just one person, and I can't help or cure an other's hurt or pain, until I deal with myself and my own issues.

I hope this goes out and those who are important in my life see this.

Loving you is not an issue, and it never has been...its loving myself that is the problem. When someone doesn't love themselves how can they love others? To me this is a total failure....