Sabotage

Purposely doing something to ruin any positive thing in your life.

yep, that's me...

Because I routinely sabotage my life, I find I make really bad decisions. Maybe my decisions are not really "bad" just poorly executed.

Eating is certainly one of them. I find that what triggers my eating is any number of things. This is where taking control of my life really needs to come in. I can't even hope to break bad habits until I take control of my life. I just don't know where to start.

I thought I did. At least in California I thought I did. Things seemed so much clearer when I was in Cali. I thought that I had made firm decisions about thing. I thought I knew what I needed to do to get back on track.

However, now that I'm home I find I am back into old habits. I hate it.

Why can't I just get my head on straight? Why am I going down a road of self-destruction and sabotaging everything that I have worked so hard to achieve.

For instance college. Okay so I've completed level 1 courses and I have a 4.0. Fantastic! Right? Okay well, all I have to do to get into Level 2 is fill out some paperwork (easy) get 2 letters of recommendation (done) schedule, take and pass at least one of my AEPA's (did it!) and pass the math portion of the Accuplacer placement test (um.....yeah......)

I have to pass a bloody MATH TEST!! I can't do it! I failed it the first time, and I suck at math. I have severe Math anxiety and I just don't get it!

Ugh! It is so frustrating. I am almost 40 years old and I can't even do a simple Math problem, and yet I'm a genius when it comes to writing. I can support detailed historical information, I write fantastic editorials, I have a Master's Degree and yet.....I have the Math skills of a 1st grader.

It makes me feel so stupid. This is what is holding me back. I'm not going to be able to go forward.

Like my weight loss and fitness, I get scared. I lose that motivational force that keeps me going. That energy that drives me forward. Why can't I have that everyday? That wonderful feeling of success, that feeling that you have achieved the greatest goal.

I'm holding myself back. I know I am. I get tongued tie around people, I start saying stupid things and doing stupid things. My friends apparently get sick of me, and even my family doesn't even know what to do with me.

Change has got to come soon. Something has got to break. If I keep going down this road whatever road I am on right now, I will sabotage my entire life. I will lose everything I've worked for.

I can't see myself as successful. Maybe that is my problem. I can't see myself as successful. It is like I need someone else, some outside source to validate me. I need someone else to tell me that I'm worth something. I still can't see myself as worthwhile. I can't see myself as someone who is worth anything.

Many people just don't get it, I know my family doesn't. They all think, or at least I perceive that they think that because I have them, I should be grateful and content with my life. Hell, I'm even afraid now to write my blogs for fear my family is going to take something I say the wrong way and then all hell will break loose.

Change. I need change, but when I say that they think it is about them. Why can't anyone see that this is about me? My issues, my problems, my needs. But, no I have to deal with everyone else's problems first. Everyone lays their crap on me, and expect me to pick up the pieces.

What about my pieces? I'm feel like I am going to burst into a million of pieces any moment, and no one will be there to put me back together, or when I do they will all just look at me and say, "well good luck putting it back together."

I know, others hurt. I get that. But, it just seems like I have to be concerned with other people an not myself.

So, sabotage. I sabotage everything, because it appears that for me there is no sense of self.