I'm so done

I am so done with everything right now. I am so done with feeling the way I feel, of being what I am, of hurting people around me.

My brain is going a million miles a minute. I'm not broken, I don't need to be fixed. I'm just confused and need to recenter myself.

I feel like I am living outside of my body. I look at people, I interact with people and yet it is not me. I don't know who this woman is.

Friends are getting angry at me. Friends are backing away from me. My family is get wary again, afraid I may snap or something. I am so tired. The emotional energy that has been expended in this need to hold it all together is exhausting.

I'm feeling physically sick. Migraines and stomach aches. My heart is racing and I can't breath. The anxiety is out of control, and trying to hold myself together is so exhausting.

There is no point in asking anyone for help because even though all of you are well meaning you really have no idea what I am going through. You have no idea. You may think you do because of your experiences in life or maybe you suffer from a mental illness and therefore makes you an expert.

But you don't live my life. You don't live inside of my skin. You don't feel what I feel. Every person is different and one person's experiences are different from another's. We can not hope to understand what others are thinking nor should we try. However, we should understand what others feel and not judge them based on their feelings.

Feelings can't be wrong. They are inherent to the self. Yet for some people it just seems easier to tell another person that their feelings are not valid, that they have no right to feel what they feel, that feeling the way they do is wrong or sinful. That if they do feel a certain way then you better get on your knees and pray for absolution from those feelings because those feelings will destroy you.

So, we come numb. We stop feeling. We walk through life like a zombie, not feeling only existing, and as long as you are doing what you are suppose to do: hold a job, pay your bills, raise your kids, be a good spouse, go to church, be there for others...etc, etc. then all is good. Because it is always about others.

Others are more important, if you don't care for others then you are selfish. Am I right in saying this? Am I right in saying that we have been told by well meaning friends that there needs are more important and you are being selfish for not catering to their feelings and that your feelings are not important because theirs are more important.

We just nod and say "sure no problem, whatever you want." We don't fight back, because we are so tired of fighting. We don't stand up for ourselves because as soon as we do there is someone who feels it is their moral obligation to knock you back down.

How can I possibly find my own joy, my own self, my own happiness if I can't even own my feelings?