Motivation and Self-Control

Over the past few months I have been “changing” so to speak. It started out with committing myself to an exercise program, then changing how I approach people, working on my behaviors, adjusting my eating habits…all those things that a normal well adjust person would do in order to make positive changes in their lives.

Well, I’m not normal and I am not well adjusted. Friends, let me be honest with you. I’m not self- diagnosing myself, but I feel that my doctors have totally missed the boat, and maybe I need to talk to them again. I believe that the mental illness I’ve been dealing with all of my life is not Depression, not OCD, not General Anxiety Disorder…it is Borderline Personality Disorder.

“Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.”

Alright so I’m not trying to garner any sympathy here, but I am trying to understand myself. My self-control and my motivations. Which I believe go hand in hand and have been affected by BPD.

Let’s talk about self-control which is “the ability to control one's emotions, behavior and desires in order to obtain some reward later, and is the capacity of efficient management to the future”

“Controlling one’s emotions” for those of you who know me, you know that this is a challenge for me. I have a volatile personality which at often times has been the butt of jokes (usually instigated by myself). I get so freaked out, and I don’t understand why. Little things set me off, and I feel out of control. Then I spiral down and I either let out the anger in passive/aggressive ways such as: mistrust, victimization, or speaking cryptically (being coy) or I bring the anger in and I become depressed: sleeping a lot, no concentration, feelings of despair and over or under eating.

You have to live in my brain to understand what it is that I go through every day of my life. Its’ exhausting to be honest, to work at being normal, to walk up the hill of my life all the time and never getting a break, exhausts and frustrates me.

Here is where the Borderline Personality Disorder comes in, because all these things are going on at once I become: uncertain of my identity (questioning who am i?), bored, inappropriately angry, impulsive in spending, relationships and eating, afraid of being alone, extreme in my views of situations and people,exteme in my behaviors and my actions, and displaying whiplash like shifts in my personality that just leave people confused and wary.

I’m leaving myself very vulnerable here telling you about this. Some of you may be afraid, some of you may disagree, and some of you may say “Adina you need help” Well, you all have a right to your opinions and judgments, but my motivation (the next thing I will approach) is to simply get people to understand and to know that I have recognized I have a problem (Step #1).

So, how does this all relate to motivation, simple: I am motivated by how my emotions are playing at that point in time.

Example: if I had a positive experience, I feel good and I am motivated to do all sorts of good and positive things however; if I have had negative experiences (negative in my mind) then I tend to be demotivated and engage in self-destructive behaviors.

Let me break this down:

• Good Pressure: When an individual is in a competitive, yet non-judgemental and non-prejudicial environment, the individual may want to be like those around them. An individual may become motivated and inspired and gain self-control.
• Bad Pressure: When an individual is in a judgemental and prejudicial environment and there is no competition, an individual may become depressed and unmotivated, losing self-control.
• No Pressure: When an individual is free and there is no competition, and can do what one may feel, self-control is based on how an individual may feel. Since there are no other individuals to compare, an individual may be less motivated or more motivated depending on the urgency of whatever they are doing

So, depending on what is going on around me will determine my motivation which in turn will determine how much self-control I have.

This is the “uphill battle” that I am talking about. For a normal person problems come and problems go, bad things happen they deal with it move on, good things happen they rejoice in it and move on. Me, I don’t “move on” I continue to walk up that hill to an unknown destination fighting a fight that doesn’t even need to be fought. This is what frustrates my friends and my family because they can’t understand what is going on in my mind.

I have destroyed perfectly good friendships because of this. My friends just can’t understand these extremes in my behavior and because of it they become afraid or nervous about being around me, or they simply just get angry because I’ve done something stupid.

However, I do have a few friends who do understand. I had one friend lay down the law to me the other day. This friend at first was afraid that I wouldn’t take what they were saying the right way and therefore held off saying anything to me until the situation came to a precarious position. This friend braved my personality and told me straight that I was becoming obsessed over a certain situation and that it was becoming “scary” They were right. In my extreme nature, I took a situation and made it extreme, I became obsessed with it and twisted it and twisted it until if fit into my life the way I wanted it to fit in my life, but my friend reminded me that I didn’t need to “fit this into my life” that if I just took a step back and looked at it objectively I would find that there was nothing to “fit” that it fit just right the way it was. My friend not only helped me see the situation for what it was, but also saved our friendship single handedly. In that, I am most grateful. Thank you my friend, you know who you are. :-) 

See, this friend actually understands. Some people are just more insightful than others and more objective too, I guess that is why this friend is so important to me.

So, where does this bring me now? Well my fasting for one. What motivated me to fast? A Bad Pressure,  my need to be in control of a situation that really didn’t need to be controlled.  So, I’m not giving up on my fasting, but I am reevaluating why I’m fasting. When I have come to the proper motivation for it I will replace the need to eat during the fast with a positive behavior such as exercise or positive reading (Bible or Self Help). I am also going to reevaluate my fitness program. I’m not going to give it up! NO WAY IN HECK!!! No, if anything I’m going to ramp it up. Refocus myself and use exercise as that positive release. I’m also going to reevaluate my diet, consider everything I place in my mouth and be conscience of why I’m eating.

I am also going to reevaluated how I treat my friends. My friends should not have to feel uncomfortable around me, they shouldn’t be afraid and they shouldn’t feel that I’m going to do something so extreme that I am going to take them down.

My friends are too important to me, I don’t have many of them so those that I do have are very precious to me.

You are all going to see some changes in the days and weeks to follow, changes that will be positive at least I hope so. It is going to be a struggle, but not an uphill battle. I’m ready for this, I’m ready for the changes that need to come in my life and ready to open the door and step outside into peace, serenity and hope…