The End

Hello Friends

This is my last Blog.

After much thought and consideration I have decided to end this blog. Too many people know me, and know what I am talking about even when I am not specific.

I've sort of gotten into "trouble" over this blog and feel it is not worth hurting anyone's feelings or ruining relationships over.

I do want to thank everyone who has read my blog, and I hope that some of the things I've said have been somewhat helpful to some people.

I love you all.

God Bless
Namaste
Adina

Doctor, who?

I never thought much of Dr. Who. I knew it was an old TV show that was sort of science fiction, but thought that it was  bit over the top, of course I was just a kid and Dr. Who was not all that popular.

A few years ago, my spouse started watching it, I had no interest. He explained how much he liked Doctor #10 over Doctor #9, I of course was lost.....Doctor....who????

One day I was on the couch doing some homework, and he decided to watch BBC America because Dr. Who just happened to be on. I was doing homework, so I really didn't care.

But then I looked up from my work, saw on the TV this gangly looking guy and this beautiful ginger haired girl, and the Weeping Angels.

I was HOOKED!

After getting a quick education on "The Doctor" I began watching it nearly religiously. I managed to catch myself up and watched every episode from the first of Doctor #9 to the last episode of Season 5 with Doctor #11.

What I found interesting was not that this show was simply a Sci-Fi, but it was a lesson in humanity.

The Doctor is the "Jesus" figure that you find in much of literature. The consummate sacrifice to save humanity. It is quite powerful, and you find yourself empathic to the Doctor, even when he is destroying the world.

But, it is not so much the TV show and the great acting and all of the special effects. It is how the show pulls its audience in and make you want to be a part of it.

You want to run off with the Doctor.

Wouldn't that be fascinating? To run off with the most amazing individual in all of time, get into his blue box that is bigger on the inside and fly through space and time.

I would so do it.

The sheer idea of the escape, I think is what captures my attention the most. The Doctor's companions are not girlfriends or lovers, they are simply the right hand and best friend, the everlasting friend through time and eternity. The most beloved person in the Doctor's world, he never give up on his friends and he always comes back for them.

Can you imagine what it would be like to have someone like that in your life. The perfect best friend? The person that no matter what, no matter what you say or do that friend will never leave you - unless he is killed while regenerating by an Impossible Astronaut- the friend who takes you to the most amazing places in the most amazing times.

The best friend, who's favorite food is Fish Fingers and Custard!

A Time Lord.
A Gallifrian
A Doctor
A Destroyer of Worlds....
...or the Salvation of the Universe?

It is for you to decide....would you follow this madman?

.............Spoilers............

I Still Don't Think I am Interesting

A very good friend of mine stated that a good way to communicate when surrounded by members of the opposite sex was to tease them in a good nature way, especially if they initiate the teasing.

Okay, cool. Great advice.

Putting it practice, yeah whole n'other story...

What I seem to lack is timing...

I work with a person who has a great sense of humor, actually 2 people. The one person's sense of humor is raw and naughty were there other person's sense of humor is dry and sarcastic. But, I don't think that it is very attractive when I burst out laughing because of something either of them said!

Person #2 just has to look at me a certain way and I start to laugh. It is so embarrassing...especially when it happens in the middle of class.

After I've laughed, I feel like such an idiot! I think, "Wow, they must really think I'm a moron."

Then I get very self conscience and I clam up. It is weird, I am weird....

That must be it. I'm a weird person. I must be abnormal or something. Here I am an grown adult and I act like a giggly school girl when a person "looks" at me. I know the "look" isn't a "look" it is usually an acknowledgement of something ironic or off center that has happened which has gone completely over the heads of the others in the room. I mean, it is kinda nice to know that there is this very clear non-verbal communication going on, but it is not THAT type of non-verbal communication.

Geez, I am really struggling here.

People are going to start to think I'm mental or something. But, seriously...I've gone through my entire adult life not being able to communicate with people on a social level (men actually)

Even with men I've know forever, I still get weird-ed out. Did you know that I have this very difficult time looking at someone (men especially) straight in the eyes! Yeah! Isn't that crazy?

I can be in a room full of men, and not have one bloody thing to say, or if I do have something to say, it ends up sounding stupid and I've just made a complete jackass out of myself. Then I think, "Geez, I'm gonna leave this room and they are going to talk about me behind my back and say things like 'is she a ditz or what?'"

Actually, I'm curious about what people say about me when I'm not in the room. I often times wonder that when I leave to clock back in from lunch. Or do they just not say anything at all and I'm just this invisible person that is over looked as usual.

Okay, now you are all thinking I'm some self-absorbed person who thinks that the world revolves around her. Well.........you know....maybe I am. Maybe I am too self-absorbed. Maybe I come off sounding like some elitist or something.

Would someone PLEASE tell me what I'm doing wrong? Or if I'm doing something right it would be really nice to know, and it would be a huge ego boost.

Okay Okay, yeah I know....It is not right to be thinking like this. I'm not being very "Christian" I shouldn't be thinking about these things. Well, ya know.....I've also spent the majority of my life being an overweight  invisible freak, and now that I'm normal looking I am no longer invisible, and I have NO CLUE how to deal with it!

Do I just keep smiling?
Do I play with my hair?
Do I lower my voice when I speak?
Do I swing my hips when I walk?
Do I wink?
Do I laugh in a sultry sort of way?

What do I do??? What will NOT make me look like an absolute idiot!?

Yeah, I'm stressing over this...wouldn't you if you were in my place?

A Sense of Panic

I don't get this feeling.

I am sitting doing my normal daily routine, things are fine, everyone is fine....then suddenly I get this overwhelming sense of Panic.

My heart starts to race, my head starts to swim, and then all of these thoughts start swirling around in my head. I look at my family and I don't see them as my family I seem them as strangers, and then I have this overwhelming sense that they are not mine, or that something is going to happen, or that everything will fall apart.

My heart starts to feel very heavy and I feel like I am about to just cry my eyes out.

It is like my whole world is falling down around me, and I have not control over it.

I hate getting these anxiety attacks....It is like NOTHING I do controls them.

I'm not very interesting in real life

First of all I want to apologize to all my readers. I am so sorry I have not been on in a while. With school starting and getting this taken care of around here, it has been hard to take the time. I will try to remedy that.

Also, I have made a decision to take a break from college for the semester. We will see how that goes.

So, anyway...here is my dilemma.

I don't think I'm very interesting.

So, I have all these "admirers" on Facebook. I seem to be the "popular" girl. The Girl all the guys like to flirt with and stuff. Which is very cool, don't get me wrong. I love the attention.

But, I think if these same guys were to actually meet me, I'd be boring.

Here is why I think that. Recently I have been inducted into the "Social Studies" secret society. (Eating lunch with the Social Studies teachers) Anyway, it has been really nice to feel apart of this group (who by the way are mostly men)

Anyway, I was sitting at lunch and the guys were talking, and I couldn't think of one bloody thing to say!!! I was sitting there, eating my lunch listening to the conversation, laughing at the appropriate times, looking everyone in the eye who was talking to me, but I said NOTHING! I just smiled and nodded.

Really!!!??? Are you freakin' kidding me!!!

You know this is not the first time. Why am I so socially awkward? I can think of a million things to say on Facebook. I'm witty and fun and flirty and smart and insightful, but put me in a room full of people and WHAM instant wallflower.

I mean, I am thin and sexy now and I still can't engage a guy in a conversation. What the heck is wrong with me???

Okay, yes I am currently married and so many of you will probably say "well you don't need to worry about that because you are married." Well no that is not true, I NEED to learn how to be social because I will never be able to go anywhere alone if I don't.

People will look at me like I am a total idiot!

I am a very smart woman, I am educated and I have ideas and thoughts and opinions, and I am sexy and beautiful and I can be flirty and I am passionate.....and yet....when I am around a group of people, especially men I freeze up.

So, maybe I am just not enticing enough?

I want people to want to talk to me, I want people to want be around me...I want to have people clamoring for MY attention. Is that wrong???

Do we live a Faustian Life?

Have you ever wondered what your life would be if you took a different fork in the road? If you went left instead of right? If you went out instead of stayed in? If you chose one instead of two?

Have you ever thought what would it be like if you got everything you ever wished for?

That is Faustian.

Faust was a character in a German Folk legend who was very successful and well liked but was very bored with his life, so he makes a deal with the devil for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures. However, there is a price, there is always a price, and that price is the devil would claim Faust's soul and he will be forever damned.

We can see the Faustian theme in many modern literature and movies.

Some examples of Faustian movies are: Bedazzled, 13 going on 30, Big, Ghost Rider, Can't Buy Me Love, Limitless and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith


But, what does it mean? Do people really want to "sell their souls" for "unlimited "anything"?

I think we do, and I think that in the day to day scheme of life people are constantly making deals with the devil to better their existence and to get one step closers to that human zenith of self gratification.

We look at ourselves in the mirror and think. If I could be this, then I can do that? If I looked like this, then I can be that? If I were as smart as this, then I can have that?

Face-it friends we think like that all the time right? I know I do. Why lie? That is the whole point of this blog to get the facts out on my life.

Yeah, I would love to be richer, smarter, beautiful, and thinner. To be honest with you, if someone were to offer me those things for an exchange of something I hold most dear, it would be difficult to say "no"

I hope that I would be strong enough too. I hope that if ever faced with the temptation of limitless bless verses with the result of eternal damnation that I would be strong enough to say "No thank you, I am happy with what and who I am and I will continue on as I am."

But seriously folks don't you just think about the possibilities? My favorite Faustian themes have to do with the characters going forward in their lives (Big and 13 going on 30) and see the consequences or the possible consequences of their actions.

In the movie Big, Tom Hank's character is a 13 year old kid in the body of a 30 year old man, and while Tom Hank's comedic genius made the movie one of the best of its time, the Faustian theme makes the more intelligent movie go take pause and really think. If I were a kid given a chance to be an adult for one week, what choices would I make?

I use to think about that as a child. I thought, if I could be a grown up for just one week, I could solve all of the world's problems.

Or, in the movie 13 Going on 30 our main character suddenly finds herself a 13 year old in her 30 year old body. This movie different from Big, is that in Big the character simply aged and everyone else stayed the same, he did not fast forward in time to his life as a 30 year old, where in 13 going on 30 our character fast forwards to her life at 30, and she sees the consequences of her choices.

But, like all good Hollywood movies, happy endings prevail and the characters are able to right the wrongs of their choices and move on with much happier lives.

We all know that in real life that doesn't happen, in fact in real life we can't move forward or backwards to correct or change our lives because we suddenly feel unhappy with them. No, we are stuck in the present forced to make do with what we have.

You know what I would love to do? I would love to go back in time as myself, but as myself looking like I do now (just younger) with this thin body. I would like to go back and see what would be different. Would I score with my crush? Would I be voted prom queen? Would I get the lead in the play? How would my life been different if I were different?

...and who wouldn't exists or what relationships and friendships will never occur if I changed the past? Would I be willing to give that up? That is a difficult question.

One that Faust may not have considered when he sold his soul.

Total Failure

Well, I thought going "silent" on social media was a noble thing. Sort of like a self sacrifice martyr-ish sort of thing to do.

What I realized is only one person, whom I didn't answer back and I will remedy that, actually cared. A simple, "Is everything okay?"

Okay, now granted I said I was going "silent" so I'm assuming that everyone was simply just respecting my privacy. Which is cool.

But, what I did notice is that and this is hard to believe, the world of Facebook kept turning without me. Crazy huh? It didn't seem to matter that I was gone. Everyone did there thing and went on living.

I guess that is a lesson for me too, huh? To keep on living, to keep going forward.

In the past few weeks a lot of "bad" things have happened in my life, and trying to process it out has been a challenge. What I have come to discover is that I don't allow myself any leeway in life. I don't allow myself to just fail.

My goal was to start finding "Joy" but when I couldn't find it, I felt like a failure, I felt "geez" I can't even do this right! When I felt I wasted an entire summer and came to the end realizing that I had nothing prepared for my firs Girl Scout meeting nor did I have an interest in it I felt like a failure. When I started back to work and my enthusiasm was wane and sluggish I felt I had failed. When my dear friend died, and I knew I could have maybe done something, I felt like I failed. Then the straw that broke the camels back....I failed my math entrance exam in order to move to the next level of my college course work.

That did it. That was the end of it. I had felt like a total failure, I felt "what was the point" So, in this self sacrificing way, I said screw it, I'll go silent. I'll SHOW everyone how upset I am, what I loser I feel like...

What I found was that even my closest and dearest friends just said nothing....except for one friend who I've never met actually asked "Is everything okay?"

That is when I realized I ask way too much of people and in turn ask way to much of myself. That doesn't mean I have "changed my ways" Heck no, it means that now I am more aware, and now I understand what it means to "guard your heart"

People hurt people, it is a sad fact of life. I can't stop that cycle, I am just one person, and I can't help or cure an other's hurt or pain, until I deal with myself and my own issues.

I hope this goes out and those who are important in my life see this.

Loving you is not an issue, and it never has been...its loving myself that is the problem. When someone doesn't love themselves how can they love others? To me this is a total failure....